Lately, i've realized the extent to which i was taking things for granted. Growing up in a nice community, good highschool, going to a good college, working at a good internship company. In a community of great friends both young and old, a good chruch, a great family...

[1]
Today is my second to last day at my internship; for some reason, i feel in retrospect that i've really grown attached to this place- the warehouse, the lab, the football field, the sub par Cafeteria, the random events here, searching for food, working under pressure...I complain...oh yes i do, but strange as it may seem..im going to miss it alot..me thinks it might have something to do with the fact that it's my 4th returning summer.

Walking through the halls, the lab, the cubicle farm...my mentality has changed. It's not..ugh..i have to be here for another 4 hours...it's "i cant believe im not going to see this place again"; I believe this is what they deem, "nostalgia"

security blanket #1 has now just been removed

[2]
I can't believe im going to be a senior in college...i certainly dont feel like a senior, yet i do at the same time. i have a destination, but my means look so bleak..when i get thru this, it'll be a testimony and a half.

[3]
DDJPT...has been DDPT for awhile..more due to the lack of interest because of distance we havent seen J in so long...and yes T has had a history of moving...but it's like family history now. Finally, we all thought he was settled for good..and he's off to location 9? 10? i've gotta say this is a hard hitter for sure- part of the picture that i paint when i describe home is DDJPT. hanging out, paintballing, sleepovers, camping, campfires, beach, balling, videogames, youtube, YG, eating, chruch...losing yet another leg...it's just down to three. I've been wanting to avoid reflecting on this for awhile, becuase..i dont really want to face the reailty at times. College has always been rather interesting; it's almost like living the two lives of jekyl and hyde, but on a very much dulled psychadelic experience.in actuality, i think all i'll write about now is this...more will come later...when it becomes necessary to pour out stated feelings of rawrness at losing a brother

[4]
moving to apts...is rather segregating; from everyone that i've asked, you have to make an effort, unlike the dorm experience, to see ppl and stuff- not only am i anticipating p.chem and the pressures of figuring out what i need to do in life, i hate saying goodbye and never seeing ppl again...

[5]
it's hard...to see your hs friends...in the sense where you dont see them..more than once or twice a year
i've always hoped to prove wrong that Right hand rule of friends, but as much as I've tried, and my forgetful and single tracked mind has been unable to do this, the more saddened I am by this fact...

And when the swirl of convoluted emotions fade away
I'm left with this bittersweet taste that weighs
quite heavily on the taste buds of my heart
a taste to be savored and spat out

problem is i just cant decide just when...to spit it out

i dont know if i can even do it anymore...just doesnt seem very feasible/viable

the timing is getting real thin and all this stress is coming and i just feel

a bit more than just a tiny bit overwhelmed to the max. expectations, impossibilities, responsitibility,

it's all...coming and crashing down on me

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edit: well then...looks like God has a message for me today in one of the devotionals that i get >< :P

Got Joy?

“I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:14

As hard as it is to accept, joy is a personal choice. I’d much rather think the opposite-to claim that people and circumstances steal my joy. I hate the idea that the reason I don’t have joy sometimes is because I’m not choosing it.

I don’t know how high your joy meter is right now, but I can tell you on the authority of God’s Word that if it’s low or if it’s lost, you can find it again in the person of Jesus Christ Himself. You can choose the joy found in following Jesus.

Sometimes people who have known the Lord for a while get bored. They think, There’s gotta be something more, something better, something different and off they go in search of some kind of unbiblical extravagance to satisfy that itch. To that, the apostle Paul posts a big warning sign in Philippians 3:16-14:

“<Forget> what lies behind and <strain> forward to what lies ahead . . . I press on!”

Instead of longing for more or better or different, God calls us deeper and stronger. Philippians 3 continues, “hold true to what we have attained.”

If you want to choose joy every day, then hold fast to God. Keep depending on Christ. Do you still lean on Him as completely as when you first came to the Cross? Is every step with God one of dependence and faith? What uncertainty lies ahead? What obstacle are you being called to conquer right now? Do you want joy amidst those challenges? Say, I can’t do it, Lord; only You can do it in me.

What do you need to do today to regain lost joy? Maybe you need to stop trying so hard in your own strength to be what God wants you to be and move back into that dependent, Christ-centered approach to life. Remember that the same way you came to the Lord is also how you’ll grow in Christ.

Want more joy? Get back on the track of desperate dependence on God and abiding faith.  

Undo by Rush of Fools

I've been here before, now here I am again
Standing at the door, praying You'll let me back in
To label me a prodigal would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one who can undo
What I've become

I focused on the score, but I could never win
Trying to ignore, a life of hiding my sin
To label me a hypocrite would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one who can undo
What I've become

Make every step lead me back to
The sovereign way that You

[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one who can undo
What I've become

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k-love.com .. so cool. kimmy found this song and ever since she pulled up a youtube clip to see if the song was any good, i've been listening to it alot- it's been striking a chord in my heart.

"Undo what I've become"

what have I become? I've been incredibly busy. That much is for sure. In fact, I've become so busy, so many days i dont even feel like getting up...to face the millions of things that I have to do. Don't get me wrong, i enjoy doing some of these things but when it all adds up i'm left at the end of each day feeling incomplete and useless.

I guess it's that time right before you start falling asleep when the mental evaluation flashes. Questions like, did you finish your hw? - uncheck.
did you waste your time? - check.
stressed? - check. read your bible? - check.
workout?- uncheck. practice instruments?-  uncheck.
clean your room?- uncheck.
spend time in prayer? - uncheck.
..just to name a few

in short, whenever i'm reflecting, I always get overwhelmed at the crazy schedule i'm trying to balance. And I bet this isnt even alot for some people, so here I am complaining of being too busy, too tired, too stressed...

but i just cant shake this feeling.

the alarm clock went off at 7 today and i snoozed it. But in the 1/2 a second it took for me to fall back to my pillow, the unshakable feeling of reluctance struck me. I really had no motivation to get up. I really just wanted to sleep and feel rest.

but even I know...the only place i'll find rest is in staying in God's presence and my strenght will be renewed like that of the eagles. a paraphrase from what i remember of psalms103 (lxs- it does help :P ). But like the stuipd human I am, I dont do what i should..i know how to start fixing the problem..but I dont..why not?

perhaps it's this nature of suffering that i've so long accustomed engrained into my personality-

priority: something i need to get straight.
time mangement: something i need to work on
relaxation: something i have yet to experience this summer
peace: something only God can give me
grace: what God gives me to get by each day

this feeling of unrest. it's bothering me. i cant even sit still in my chair at work anymore. i just want to...get up and finish..SOMETHING.

anything.

if You came now, i'd have nothing to give, my life is full of so many things that i dont need- i really just need You. change my heart.